“Stop crying like a little girl”
“You run like a girl”
“Your throw like a girl”
“Stop acting like a girl”
If you are a woman these are phrases you have most likely heard growing you. Like a girl, what does that even mean? Those phrases are said most of the time from the male gender and are meant to hurt and insult. As a woman you are trained almost from birth to compare yourself to others, to be shy and timid not to over assert yourself or be seen. Don’t draw attention to yourself. You don’t have a voice, you must let a man speak up for you or tell you what to think or do.
“all of that is bullshit.”
But all of that is bullshit. Growing up I unknowingly adopted this programming and belief system. Subconsciously I hated myself because I didn’t act like the other girls, I wasn’t loved like the other girls, I saw myself as less than. I began to believe that I was worthless that I wasn’t enough, that I would never measure up. At the age of six I found myself at the hands of my first abuser. Due to my low self-esteem and thoughts that told me everyone hated me and I was worthless I kept silent and endured the abuse. I did not reach out for help because this would be another mark against my already poor exterior of just being me. So I suffered inside, dying inside for years, allowing abuser after abuser to take their toll on me and re-cement the belief that I was nothing each time.
Women have an amazing talent of hiding behind a beautiful mask of smiles, makeup and positivity. That is a gift as a woman we can endure so much pain and yet our resilience helps us to continue on. Most women battle with anxiety and depression and hide it on the inside locked away from the world. We don’t share our true feelings with anyone because that would knock us down in the chart of comparison. That would devalue an already devalued self. So we stuff, we swallow and we hide until we can’t hide anymore.
“At 24 I found myself cowering at the hands of a man who found joy in laying his fists into me almost nightly.”
At 24 I found myself cowering at the hands of a man who found joy in laying his fists into me almost nightly. A man whose child I carried in my belly, protecting and nurturing so she could come into this world. A man who had demons so big inside of him that he had lost control. So I allowed myself to be his punching bag, believing I deserved it, believing that it was my fault he was so angry, accepting my punishment for being me. Why did I allow this? Did I not escape? Why didn’t I tell anyone you may ask?
This man had a skill of bringing back my pain from my childhood, from making me feel worthless, telling me I am nothing and no one else wants me. He had a skill of cutting out my confidence from every cell of my being and melting me back down to the hurt little girl I had been running from my entire life. He saw the brokenness inside of me that I myself didn’t see and preyed on it with a skill and precision I had never experienced. He brought the ugliness out of me. He shattered the pieces I had put back together as an adult believing I had overcome my past. He made me intimately aware of the inner child inside of me that wanted to die.
Let me be very clear I am not weak, I am not a victim, I am not one to lay down and allow myself to be treated in this manner. I was that woman who judged domestic violence victims and said why don’t you just leave, just get out, it’s not that hard. I couldn’t comprehend why any woman would allow herself to be treated in this manner until it happened to me. People look at me and say this could never have happened to you Tina not you. But in fact it did.
“My daughter is my light, she was my reason, she was my strength to escape.”
If it weren’t for the little girl growing in my belly as this man conquered me I may not be alive today. My daughter is my light, she was my reason, she was my strength to escape. If it was not for the miracle of Trinity I may have succumbed to his hands. But my daughter was my everything and she deserved to be loved and protected. She deserved to be safe and be raised in an environment where she could thrive. Where no predator could get their hands on her and break her. So I fought back with all my might and I got out of that relationship. I got into a safe space where I could give my daughter a life that she deserved. I knew that I would love her in a way I had always dreamed of being loved. I would cherish her every breath and she was all I needed in this world.
Three months after escaping from her father and uprooting my life, quitting my job and figuring out how to start all over again my body failed me. I was unable to eat and was dropping weight each week instead of gaining. The pain that overcame my body was unbearable. I would find myself in the hospital many times, sometimes being taken by ambulance the pain was so severe. At 27 weeks along in my pregnancy I was admitted to the hospital and diagnosed with H.E.L.L.P syndrome. My body had given up and my liver, kidneys had shut down and my brain was seizing. The only way for me to survive was to deliver Trinity Michelle 13 weeks early and pray she would make it.
“Our heart beats were strong and our energy was entwined.”
The doctors wanted to inject me with a concoction to abort her to make the process easier. They wanted to take my miracle, my reason for life, my everything and just throw her down a drain. How can a mother make this type of decision? My life for hers? I couldn’t do it. I left it up to God and we began our fight. We fought hard and we were both making it! Our heart beats were strong and our energy was entwined. The love for each other kept us going. Fourteen hours after they induced the labor it was time to push. As Trinity emerged into this world she was still intact inside of her protective sack. The nurses ripped open her packaging to bring her into this world and she was lifeless. The wail that wrung out of my chest could be heard down the corridors and the air left the room. My life left my body and I lost the will to live. My daughter took my heart to heaven with her.
The months to come would be some of the most challenging I would ever face in my life. I would have to learn how to breath again. I had to find a will to live. I had to discover what life was like as a mother without a child. The looks that people would give me, the pity that dripped off of them was harder to bear than not having Trinity with me. The comments from people that didn’t know what to say cut through my heart like a knife.
“Your not a mom anymore just move on”
“Why do you wear that diaper backpack still she is gone get rid of it”
“How long are you going to be like this Tina it has been long enough you need to move past this”
When a parent loses their child they don’t need words, they just need an ear to let them talk about their baby or a shoulder to cry on. You don’t need to speak, just be there and hold space.
“I learned the need to hold space from an amazing man I met a few months
after I lost Trinity.”
I learned the need to hold space from an amazing man I met a few months after I lost Trinity. As me and my sister were out having dinner we met this kind but shy bartender who carried a conversation with us. Over the following weeks we grew an amazing friendship and he taught me how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Not sexually or intimately just respectfully. He never cursed around me, never showed anger or frustration, never tried to force himself on me or even make a move to progress the relationship.
“I now love being a woman.”
This man held me in his arms as I wept over the loss of Trinity not saying a word just holding me many days. As our friendship grew we fell in love and he made me his wife. Over the years he has taught me what love, trust and respect looks like. He has taught me that being a woman is a gift from God and I am to be cherished. I now love being a woman and am so proud of running like a girl, crying like a girl and loving like a girl. It was men who broke me and it was a man who built me back up. I am now loved by my husband and the three beautiful babies that he has given me.
Life after death and trauma is possible. I am proof of that.
I now spend my days helping other women who have gone through their own journeys of pain, loss and trauma to overcome and live the life they deserve. It is such a blessing to be able to reach down into the depths of darkness and help others out.
If you would like to learn more visit my website at tinaencarnacion.com